We arrived around 1AM and I let her out at the front door so she wouldn't have to walk from the parking lot. I parked the car and was approached by the security patrol. They started asking me all about my exciting night. I had no idea what they were talking about but they whooped loudly, gave me a high five and left to bother other people. I saw a security guard as I entered the building and mentioned that my wife had just walked in the door. Before I could ask how to get to the emergency room, he pointed down the hallway and sent me on my way. I went down the hallway where a nurse grabbed me before I could say anything. She told me my wife was upstairs and put me on an elevator. When I exited the elevator, I found myself in a maternity ward. Two nurses approached me so I could see my wife before the baby was born. I explained my situation and they seemed disappointed in me after they realized I wasn't there to be a new father. I reminded them there was a guy somewhere in the building looking for his wife and maybe they should go find him. They ran off to look for the dad and I went off in search of the emergency room.
I finally found Dana as she was being admitted to a room. She put on her patient gown and went to the bathroom to give a urine sample. I waited in the room as a "Code Gray" came over the intercom. "Code Gray" means there is a combative person that needs to be calmed down or restrained. I could hear a woman loudly yelling that "they didn't know what she had been through", "she doesn't like to be tied down" and "she'll kick people in places they didn't know they had on their bodies". Dana missed all of this because the combative person was restrained by the time she got out of the bathroom.
The rooms started filling up as the night continued. The guy next to us had to be a cocaine addict. His nose was bleeding everywhere because "he hurt his nose and had to put some packing in it". When asked which side of his nose he hurt, he replied with the left side. Five minutes later, it was the right side. Wait, maybe it was the left side. At one point, the doctor asked him "Do you have any idea if you actually hurt your nose or can I have the real story?" I do know the guy was the biggest wimp in the world as he yelled for the nurse every 10 minutes because "he was hurting".
While Dana had x-rays and various tests throughout the night, there were more all star patients entering the emergency room arena:
- The guy telling a long winded story about the 3 times he was struck by a car
- The patient who lost a finger or two in a combine accident
- The person who swallowed a goldfish belonging to a neighbor before coughing up blood
- The rocket scientist who fell off the back of a truck while sitting on a washing machine (his brother didn't have ropes so he was sitting on the machine so it wouldn't move)
- One guy who kept saying the words "California Chicken Wrap" in relation to his emergency but was unable to give more details
My favorite person was actually not in the emergency room. I went to the cafeteria around 4AM to get a snack and some caffeine. I walked in to find a guy standing all alone in front of the vending machines. He was yelling at the soda machine for taking his money, the snack machine for talking back to him and the coffee machine for being a "demon filled with the hot liquid that the wicked and unjust will get after death". He turned around and looked at me in silence. I calmly said it looked like he was having a moment with the machines and I would come back after he was done showing them the error of their ways. I calmly turned around and swiftly made my way back to the emergency room.
Dana was discharged at 7AM and we still don't have a definitive answer to her March medical mystery. Any good thoughts you can send her way would be greatly appreciated. Also, let me know if you have any idea how a California Chicken Wrap can result in a trip to the emergency room.
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